


Among the Stars

by genericfanatic



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Angst, Gen, Langst, Suicidal Thoughts, literally thats the whole thing, please take care in reading
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-06
Packaged: 2018-12-11 20:47:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,243
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11722251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/genericfanatic/pseuds/genericfanatic
Summary: Post Lance's talk with Keith in Season 3 Episode 6. Lance questions his necessity.





	Among the Stars

**Author's Note:**

> IF YOU DIDNT READ THE TAGS ALREADY THIS IS YOUR LAST WARNING. ITS JUST A FREEFORM WRITING THING.

Lance had looked up at the stars so many times in his life. When he was a kid his older siblings would take him out to the local baseball field as far from city lights as they could manage, take out a cheap telescope and look up at the constellations. Once upon a time, Lance had known where all the planets were, all the important star formations, Until the night sky was just a giant map instead of a black field with pinpricks of light. 

By the time he reached the Garrison, he had forgotten all he’d learned and had to study, the joy of the universe muddled by the grade looking over his head. Still, to be a pilot, to go among the stars himself he had to, so he did it without complaint. 

Now he was surrounded by stars. They were never in one place long enough for Lance to learn the patterns. What was once the ultimate symbol of freedom, the frontier with no boundaries, was now…suffocating. Separating him from everything he had once known. 

Lance couldn’t blame the stars, though. The suffocation came from within him. That’s part of why he still looked out at them, thinking of freedom. 

Freedom. Its what he fought for, the freedom of countless people. It’s what Hunk was always talking about, freeing people like the Balmerans, after he’d seen them suffering. It’s what Pidge wanted, freedom for her family. It’s what Shiro wanted, fought for, gained back twice now. It’s what Keith…was. Lance couldn’t understand it, but Keith was on his own so much, hardly listened to anyone but himself and Shiro and…

Lance….well, he fought because he knew it was right…but he’d be lying if he said it wasn’t for some amount of glory…attention…a way to prove his name.

God that was so selfish. How narcissistic was he? This whole fight, this whole WAR was about the universe. Saving the UNIVERSE. They were the universe’s DEFENDERS. Defenders didn’t fight for themselves, they fought for others. 

And sure, being defenders came with some level of fame across the galaxy, but it was always earned. Shiro earned everything he had, he was this great leader and fighter, and somehow always fair and still kind (to everyone but Slav, but who could blame him?). Pidge and Hunk were geniuses who earned things in their own way. And Keith…Keith had struggled, but he learned and had come to earn his position as leader. 

And Allura…she earned the most of all. She fought after her entire RACE was gone. She…she had learned the blue lion’s trust and had mastered her controls faster than…faster than he could ever hope to. In no time she would no doubt surpass him. 

That used to be his one thing, when he was down. When Hunk was busy. When Pidge jabbed at him. When everyone else had important brilliant things to be doing. Lance had Blue, a cool presence in his mind. 

Red…Red would never respond to him the way she had to Keith. She respected and was proud of her paladin for being the one to step up as leader. But she and Lance didn’t have that same bond. She needed someone…a good pilot…a better one than him to man her controls. 

Tears welled up in his eyes as he kept looking out into the night sky. Or, not night. Not even the sky. Just space. Just a vast empty vacuum of freedom.

He looked out through the hatch. This was where the castle had tried to kill him, tricking him out into the port and opening. He couldn’t do anything. Not fight back, not think his way out of the problem, just hang on until he could be rescued. 

Looking at it now sent a prickle of anxiety up his skin. A feeling up in his brain that he wasn’t safe. And it wasn’t that he ignored that signal, it just…it was like music. A soundtrack to whatever it was in his brain that kept him still.

He sat there a lot, looking out that hatch, into the unknown of space. What else was he going to do? This castle was so…cramped. Like it was huge, but…what was there to do? What could he do? Everyone had important things to do and he…if he wanted to stare out this hatch into the abyss forever than he could. 

He could cry. Sometimes he did, just cry down here and hold himself because no one would come and stop him. Sometimes he wished they would, any of them, wander down and see him sobbing in front of the hatch that had nearly killed him. 

Sometimes he didn’t, though. Just…watched. Sometimes he sat in the hatch itself, which was almost exhilarating. He thought about pushing the button, the one that would release into the vacuum of space. 

He wouldn’t do it. He’d never do something like that. He knew it wasn’t like in his fantasy of being filled with sudden peace. And sure, maybe everyone would talk then, talk about how much they loved him, how much they’d miss him. ‘Oh how we wish we could have noticed! If only we’d done something!’ they’d say. For a while. And its not like Lance would be there to enjoy their sudden attention anyway. But then, they’d move on. They had enough paladins. They’d figure something out, and move on. 

That, more than anything else was what prevented him from pressing the button. The idea that he’d be completely forgotten. And god, he was so selfish, so goddamn SELFISH wanting to put his loved ones through so much pain just for their attention. But he didn’t want to go to them. He had tried, kinda, with Keith. ‘Don’t worry about it, just focus on your mission.’ What a good leader he was. But Lance didn’t need a leader right now, he needed…something…

What he wanted was for someone to come around and say ‘oh god, look at him, he’s so brave for handling these emotions, he’s the most remarkable blah blah blah blah’ something about how actually he was special and great and amazing and…

God, he was so SELFISH. Why was he so selfish? Nothing was ever just about one person. He felt like it was raining in his brain. the livewire, the possibility of taking control and ending his own life oddly enough was the only thrill running through him, the only thing that reminded him he was alive.

He couldn't tell anyone though. They'd panic. Hunk would cry, and Lance's life mission was to never make Hunk cry. He knew they'd say it was no problem, not a burden, but it was and there was no use lying about it. What could he say, anyway?  
What was there they didn't know? He felt like a weak fighter? Anyone could see that. He hated when they poked fun at him? He knew they were just teasing, it was just a joke. He missed home? They all missed home, no use crying about it. Keith was right, he just needed to focus on his job and…

And there was nothing to focus on right then. Nothing to do. So he sat. And he looked out at the stars. And his eyes and sometimes even his hand hovered over the release button. 

And no one came.


End file.
